DREAM -
P.O.V. is from the shooter…
Man in a room with an assault rifle. There are five-ten movie star guys, 20-30 yrs old on the floor of the room. He starts by first shooting one of them in the leg. He spins and falls silently. The others each stand up and start to beg for their lives, though there is no sound except for a click whenever the trigger is pulled. The victims are each wearing dollar bills stuck to their bare shoulders and chests. The only other thing they have on are sheer briefs. You can see their cocks and balls through the material. They each get shot once in the shoulder or neck and grab it and fall. Then the next guy gets shot.
P.o.v. shifts to dreamer…
The Shooter is a long-haired young guy looks sort of like actor Lukas Haas. He walks out of the room and is walking through a restaurant. He carries the gun openly and says or nods “good night” to a few people and no one seems shocked by the gun he is carrying. Nice place. 1/3 of the tables are full of late-night diners finishing their meals. Dark wood paneled walls and red leather banquettes. Wait staff wears white aprons.
Once outside, he thinks that this is quite a rifle. His two female buddies do too. He aims at a tall tower, like a lighthouse but industrial, maybe a smokestack, probably 500 yds away. He shoots and the light in the top of it goes it. “Wow. Great shot,” someone says. He shoots at a bldg a few blocks away and part of the neon sign sparks. He turns and points the gun at a big glass window on the front of the restaurant he just came out of across the street. Someone inside falls to the ground…for a moment everyone thinks he’s been shot but he gets up laughing. They are all dancing inside the window. The shooter leans the gun in a corner against the front of a bar they are standing in front of.
p.o.v. changes…to me.
The shooter is now gone and I’m standing with the two women. A guy walks up that we know. Tall, blond bearded. His name id DJ. He’s with an even taller, slightly older, short-bearded guy carrying a huge black backpack. DJ says, “This is Tom Mitchell. He directed Blittz II”. We all recognize the name of a famous film or video game. They walk in the door. DJ sticks his head back out and announces, “I think he’s my soul mate…too bad I’m not gay.”
The woman to my immediate right is a Gwyneth Paltrow look alike. She has a short quiet, exotic –looking girl and her right arm. ‘Gwyn’ says to the a girl who walked up with DJ, “Where’s the money?” For some reason I know she’s speaking code. DJ’s girl walks up and moves her white woolen thumb to Gwyn’s eye, wiping a white cocaine-like substance just under her lower eyelid. The woman turns to me and pokes the same thumb into my nostrils, first right, then left. I lean to Gwyn and whisper. “Bet you she’ll kiss me in 30 seconds.” She laughs. I look at the woman who is a stunning brunette with freckles and emerald green eyes. I silently look intently into her eyes for an endless 15 seconds and then I say softly, “What makes you need to kiss me so badly?” She leans in and our mouth s meet, wet and open. I take her bottom lip between my teeth for a moment. I take her hand and we quickly walk down the block.
A block down on our left, there is a small store front with no sign. The tall, narrow window is lit from behind by harsh fluorescent light. We walk in the door. The room is maybe 5’ x 5’. There is an Asian woman at a counter. Walking past her we move through a dark door into a large back room. Maybe 15’x15’, lined all in large white tiles. There are two young Asian women talking at a sink/counter in front of a mirror.
I put a hand on my new friend’s shoulder and she sits on a bench. I take a step towards her and look down to see the distinct outline of my hard cock jutting straight out towards her. She pulls open my pants and engulfs my stiffness down her throat. Taking her left hand, I pull her index finger into my mouth, wetting it well.
“Do it,” is all I say and she takes her hand away and slowly slides her finger into my waiting ass. In three or four slow pumps down her throat, I am ready to explode. She pulls her nose back away from my crotch and lays my cock head on her tongue so I can watch my hot excitement fill her mouth. I feel her eyes on mine, anticipating.
When she has taken it all and cleaned me off. I pull her standing by her long, soft hair, kiss a few stray drops from her lips and reach down between her legs. Under her short skirt her thin lace panties are drenched and easily move aside as I slip two fingers into her. We stare into each others eyes as she begins to move against my hand in slow undulating motion. Her eyes glaze over and I feel her shift her body weight against me, her arms around my neck becoming heavy. As her breathing quickens, she tightens her grip around my fingers and I sense a long wave of release coursing slowly up her body, followed quickly by a succession of repeated involuntary spasms. She never closes her eyes though they get thinner and nearly shut a couple of times. When she is sated, we lean heavily against the wall.
The ambient light which had dimmed and seemed tinged in red from a small window above us, now took on a warm but brighter glow. I hear the Asian women giggling and whispering behind us. I slide down onto the bench, my date never takes her arms from around my neck, eyes now shut, breathing slowly as if she is practically sleeping. I cradle her in my arms.
One of the women walks towards us and with a steaming dark towel gently wipes our hands while the other does the same to my cock, still protruding from my fly. She gently tucks me back in and zips me up. They leave us alone in the room.
p.o.v. is now third person/camera man…
I walk out of the room, carrying the woman in my arms. The girl at the front counter scurries quickly to open the front door. We are again on the same dark street vague traces of purple dawn showing themselves from around the corners of buildings.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
SEX MAP
A friend on FetLife sent me to this fun SEXMAP. Make your own here is mine, open to revision...!!!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
FIRST DATE FUCKS
Yeah, I've had a couple of first date fucks...not that I don't always HOPE for it...but since the first one I had way back in college was a nightmare, and I won't relive the details but let's just say it was ME who faked orgasm to get rid of her!!!
How many times in 15 minutes can you hear "Am I good? Am I good? Am I the best?" So I sort of purposefully steered clear of first date fucking for years until about a year and a half ago when on a first date things were just going swimmingly well. Actually, that's an appropriate choice of words as you will see.
We headed back to my place after a long dinner out and great flirty conversation. Needless to say, it turned into a 36 hour first date and other than the first 3 hours at dinner and about a 6-hour nap in the middle, we were naked and fucking and wildly insane the whole time.
She was my first squirter and I have never before desired a mask and a snorkle while having sex but it was wild. She claimed to have counted over 30 squirting orgasms and my drenched face, head and bed did not doubt her math skills. I was using the Taoist injaculation methods that I had practiced for about three years (see my blog INGASMS from 9/24/09) and came many times both many innies and a couple of outties as she liked to call them.
Pretty fucking intense, literally.
On our next date we fucked in the upper balcony of a 3/4 full concert hall right in our aisle seats and then she sucked my cock in the bathroom at the post-party. Needless to say, I will never forget this wild one.
My legs were actually shaking at the memory as I typed this. Unfortunately, part of her inhibitions and her fluid retention resulted from copious amounts of alcohol she ingested which made all other parts of having any kind of continuing relationship unfathomable. She's doing better now, I hear and happy in a new romance. I wonder if he's a Navy Seal?
How many times in 15 minutes can you hear "Am I good? Am I good? Am I the best?" So I sort of purposefully steered clear of first date fucking for years until about a year and a half ago when on a first date things were just going swimmingly well. Actually, that's an appropriate choice of words as you will see.
We headed back to my place after a long dinner out and great flirty conversation. Needless to say, it turned into a 36 hour first date and other than the first 3 hours at dinner and about a 6-hour nap in the middle, we were naked and fucking and wildly insane the whole time.
She was my first squirter and I have never before desired a mask and a snorkle while having sex but it was wild. She claimed to have counted over 30 squirting orgasms and my drenched face, head and bed did not doubt her math skills. I was using the Taoist injaculation methods that I had practiced for about three years (see my blog INGASMS from 9/24/09) and came many times both many innies and a couple of outties as she liked to call them.
Pretty fucking intense, literally.
On our next date we fucked in the upper balcony of a 3/4 full concert hall right in our aisle seats and then she sucked my cock in the bathroom at the post-party. Needless to say, I will never forget this wild one.
My legs were actually shaking at the memory as I typed this. Unfortunately, part of her inhibitions and her fluid retention resulted from copious amounts of alcohol she ingested which made all other parts of having any kind of continuing relationship unfathomable. She's doing better now, I hear and happy in a new romance. I wonder if he's a Navy Seal?
Monday, January 17, 2011
BATHROOM ENCOUNTER
MY 1st GAYFEST
So my bi EXP and her lesbian girlfriend invited me to come out to my first Gayfest, the annual street fair in the “GayTown” section of Philadelphia. A 4x3 block area is cordoned off and all of the bars and restaurants do a rousing business while street vendors sell everything from t-shirts festooned with gay-centric logos, toys and trinkets for the discriminating leather boys and girls, great food, cold beer, LGBTG social, health and political groups distributing pertinent info, travel clubs hawking all-gay getaways and cruises, you name it. There is live music around every corner, stand up comics, female impersonators on stages set up in the crossroads, beautiful couples and packs of sweet young things everywhere getting their gay pride on.
It was a wonderful day, walking hand in hand with these two fabulous women, grabbing a great slice of Philly pizza on the street while a small skirmish broke out between jilted and very drunk lovers…and an evening capping couple of hours dancing upstairs at Woody’s on 13th St. followed by some less than fabulous show tunes at a piano bar around the corner.
But the highlight for me was a long waiting line for a bathroom break early in the day. We'd stopped into a joint for a cocktail and pee break. While the girls bellied up to the bar for frosty beverages, I grabbed a spot in the line that ran around the corner of the bar, back towards the three individual unisex maxi-closets that housed the facilities. In line, a buzzed a vociferous hottie gave her equally stunning gf a sloppy kiss and then waited behind me bouncing around like she’d waited just a titch too long to run for the commode.
“C’mon, baby. Do your man stuff and push your way in front of these people. You’re a big guy, whose gonna stop ya.” I held my ground not wanting to ruin my consistently good bathroom karma. Eventually a couple of young twinks couldn't wait any longer and bolted and we eased up to the doors in no time.
Each of these rooms with their smoked glass door and fancy dark walnut walls, brass fixtures was A-list appointed and large enough for 2-3 friendly people to go into at a time though they were really supposed to house a single. So as I walked in, my "line wife" burst in behind me, locked the door and said, “Hope you don’t mind baby, but I’m bursting a gut.
"Look at you standing there with your dick out. It’s so easy for you guys, ya just aim and shoot. You don’t mind if I show you what we have to go through do ya…” She pulled down her pants, giving me a flash of her thin landing strip and squatted, hovering over the seat.
“See never touch a thing...Caught a glimpse did ya? Me too, sweet... You’re still pissing? I’ll probably be here a while but don’t leave ‘til I’m done okay.” I turned around and flushed but took my time tucking my now semi-hard cock back into my fly.
She looks directly at him and says, “We’ll I guess it’s good that I got nothing you want and you got nothing I want. We could get in trouble in here.” She just presumed I was gay and not interested in her. Little did she know how much I wanted to just stick my cock down her throat and shut her up for a few minutes. I’m a full-service guy. Hahaha…
I washed my hands and she was still making noise like a busted North Philly fire hydrant. She stands up, leans into me and sticks her hands under my running water with her pants still around her ankles. She eventually dries off, pulls her pants up over her perfect round ass and turns and throws her arms around my neck, gets on her tiptoes and gives me a nice soft, wet kiss. “Thanks for keeping me company, doll. See you in a half hour in a bar down the street I’m sure,” and BOOM, throws open the door and leaves me there with a huge …smile on my face.
So my bi EXP and her lesbian girlfriend invited me to come out to my first Gayfest, the annual street fair in the “GayTown” section of Philadelphia. A 4x3 block area is cordoned off and all of the bars and restaurants do a rousing business while street vendors sell everything from t-shirts festooned with gay-centric logos, toys and trinkets for the discriminating leather boys and girls, great food, cold beer, LGBTG social, health and political groups distributing pertinent info, travel clubs hawking all-gay getaways and cruises, you name it. There is live music around every corner, stand up comics, female impersonators on stages set up in the crossroads, beautiful couples and packs of sweet young things everywhere getting their gay pride on.
It was a wonderful day, walking hand in hand with these two fabulous women, grabbing a great slice of Philly pizza on the street while a small skirmish broke out between jilted and very drunk lovers…and an evening capping couple of hours dancing upstairs at Woody’s on 13th St. followed by some less than fabulous show tunes at a piano bar around the corner.
But the highlight for me was a long waiting line for a bathroom break early in the day. We'd stopped into a joint for a cocktail and pee break. While the girls bellied up to the bar for frosty beverages, I grabbed a spot in the line that ran around the corner of the bar, back towards the three individual unisex maxi-closets that housed the facilities. In line, a buzzed a vociferous hottie gave her equally stunning gf a sloppy kiss and then waited behind me bouncing around like she’d waited just a titch too long to run for the commode.
“C’mon, baby. Do your man stuff and push your way in front of these people. You’re a big guy, whose gonna stop ya.” I held my ground not wanting to ruin my consistently good bathroom karma. Eventually a couple of young twinks couldn't wait any longer and bolted and we eased up to the doors in no time.
Each of these rooms with their smoked glass door and fancy dark walnut walls, brass fixtures was A-list appointed and large enough for 2-3 friendly people to go into at a time though they were really supposed to house a single. So as I walked in, my "line wife" burst in behind me, locked the door and said, “Hope you don’t mind baby, but I’m bursting a gut.
"Look at you standing there with your dick out. It’s so easy for you guys, ya just aim and shoot. You don’t mind if I show you what we have to go through do ya…” She pulled down her pants, giving me a flash of her thin landing strip and squatted, hovering over the seat.
“See never touch a thing...Caught a glimpse did ya? Me too, sweet... You’re still pissing? I’ll probably be here a while but don’t leave ‘til I’m done okay.” I turned around and flushed but took my time tucking my now semi-hard cock back into my fly.
She looks directly at him and says, “We’ll I guess it’s good that I got nothing you want and you got nothing I want. We could get in trouble in here.” She just presumed I was gay and not interested in her. Little did she know how much I wanted to just stick my cock down her throat and shut her up for a few minutes. I’m a full-service guy. Hahaha…
I washed my hands and she was still making noise like a busted North Philly fire hydrant. She stands up, leans into me and sticks her hands under my running water with her pants still around her ankles. She eventually dries off, pulls her pants up over her perfect round ass and turns and throws her arms around my neck, gets on her tiptoes and gives me a nice soft, wet kiss. “Thanks for keeping me company, doll. See you in a half hour in a bar down the street I’m sure,” and BOOM, throws open the door and leaves me there with a huge …smile on my face.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
DEBAUCHERY UPDATE #3
DU #2 hit in 2009 on October 1st and it's taken me a bit longer to get back to the update of my year of new sexy experiences due to a hectic year of job change, coast change, world change. As I mentioned in my post titled POST-DIVORCE DEBAUCHERY I was inspired by a member on Adult Friend Finder with her post called "what a year!" to note there my new, sexy and fun accomplishments of the past four years since my separation in 2003 and subsequent divorce. So this is really something of a second cumming serialized list, pun intended.
So here is the 2010 wrap-up...Things have still been going well this past year, not so much in quantity but in quality. In fact, if numbers of sexual experiences was the goal then this year has been shy of the past couple of year's sweat-o-meter. But if we are talking interesting and new situations then 2010 has had some definite high points...
* Miss Mary, my Exploratory Partner, came across country and moved in with me in Oct 2009. Platonic in only the strictest sense, in that we aren't "in a relationship" of any pedestrian or predictable definition. No strings other than honesty, communication, caring and respect...a tolerance for nakedness around the house, a steady hand when trimming my pubic hair (it's indeed a matter of trust with scissors literally a hair a way from the treasured yambag) and an ability to get things started in record time with our occasional shared partners. She is a fearless, giving and very sexy EXP. Having someone sleeping in the next room who preferred to hear the sounds of me jerking off as opposed to asking me to close the door when the urge hit me was a nice perk as well. And her occasional hops into my bed, fresh from a shower to lend a hand or just be there to watch me take advantage of myself in various and sundry ways was indeed a nice change of pace. She also liked to ask that I jerk off in front of her in the living room while she played solitaire on her laptop, and no, that's not what they are callin' it these days, she would literally play solitaire on her laptop. Seems she liked to push her level of concentration to its limits. Not to mention the astrological, stylistic, spiritual, experiential and intuitive dating advice she would give me when I headed out head full of hope and mind on some 'lil chippie who indulged me with an evening of company. A colorblind gigolo could ask for nothing more than someone to keep him from walking out of the door looking like a circus monkey fresh from the spin-art booth. She's only my treasured EXP, but my BRE (best roomie ever) as well.
* She began using the alias Chad whenever she felt in the dominant mood and we had a wonderful experience the first time when she put the huge 10" dildo down her tight jeans and pulled my head to her bulging crotch ordering me to "suck her off" and then in short order pushing me down onto the futon and taking me swiftly. That she dressed like a man and I could still feel her heaving breasts against my chest as she forced herself in and out of me was quite the turn on.
* Miss Mary and I also explored this year on occasion with her latest lesbian lover (threesome #5, foursome #2&3). More on these elsewhere but they would allow me to watch the two of them fuck, which I did on a few occasions sometimes standing over them with my cock in my hand. EXP and I also had a short threesome (trio #6 and quartet #2) in January with my #3 poly partner who finally began sexual relations with me after checking me out heavily late in 2009 and then putting me on the back burner until one of her regular partners was comfy with another new face/cock in the mix logistically. EXP's gf also showed up and watched me and my partner for awhile and then EXP and her gf laid down next to us and watched me go down on my partner. Fun, fun, fun. Only the start of a grand night of kink with poly #3 but also, more on this later.
* MORE DOMINANCE - my little poly girl #3, not only my first Latina but the tiniest partner I have ever had (4'11", 97 lbs), shared a wonderful evening of profound spanking. No sex, just ordering her to her knees and she would scramble to the corner and cower...and well, I won't give it all away but this was an evening dedicated to her pleasure via spanking and slapping and virtually hovering over her with focused intimidation. A wonderful chemistry. We were to revisit this behavior on occasion and it worked well for both of us. Can't wait until next time...
* FALLING HARD: I can's say that this was a first, but in the first month of the year I fell surprisingly fast and hard for a woman much younger than I. Me: 53, she: 28. And a stunner. Although, of course I was attracted physically, it was the cat and mouse game of exploring each others minds via chat, text, long late night phoners, drinks, dates music, and mostly helping her through a very trying time. In the end I felt used up as she needed too much of me and I was receiving less and less of what I needed from her. C'est la vie. The selfishness of youth tosses another ship onto the rocks drawn to the Siren's call.
* HAVE I MENTIONED MY LONG-TERM INTERNET-ONLY ROMANCE WITH A WOMAN FROM MY PREVIOUS TEEN YEARS? No? Well, I've probably been saving that up for a long post when and if we ever meet face-to-face. In a nutshell, about 4 years ago now I was approached on MySpace by a woman from my high school. We'd been next to each other in the yearbook all four years but had never spoken. She really didn't remember me but broke the ice, "Is that you next to me? You're kinda cute. Why didn't we know each other?"
Consequently, we got to know each other deeply very quickly. She and I both being the open types, we started out talking home town memories and catch-up and quite quickly the comfort levels grew and we found we were both basically kinky, sexy, flirty, verbal people with a ton in common and 3000 miles away from each other. Oh well, the phone sex was insane and we dreamed loud and even planned a possible tête-à-tête, a clandestine meeting or two which, alas, never came together. We fell apart during the past year, incommunicado over some misunderstanding needlessly trumped up to facilitate an easier and more drastic way of dealing with the uncertainty, the passion and the questions so far from each others' reality. By year's end. We have mended fences lately but are both careful to not ignite any flames we couldn't extinguish. I miss the full-on sexiness of our interactions tremendously. I miss the hope for more and the wonderful positivity of knowing I had found a like-minded soul blazing with endless possibility. I yearn for that feeling again before this life ends.
* 2009 had found me being frustrated with Adult Friend Finder, the adult dating site after a couple of years on. Having had no real connection with anyone of note, no dates, meetings etc. In the new year I decided to concentrate more on real-world dating, dancing and flirting which has been a boon. I bailed on AFF and saved some bread. I missed the surfing through wild and sexy profiles of people but not the constant posing and wild, goose chase atmosphere. I had earlier bailed on Extreme Restraints dating site (a variance of AFF) as being just to over-the-top for a nubile discovering his kink.
In short order though, I found FetLife. A free site for the BDSM community. Not a dating site, although people do hook up with exciting new folks there sometimes. More a way to plug into a community of people exploring the kinky side of life. From newbies, to part-timers, to those living the lifestyle 24/7 the site offers wide-ranging opportunities for exploring information, networking, photos, in-person local support groups, parties, etc for whatever proclivities, fetishes, fantasies you may have the desire to indulge in. Overall, my experience has been enlightening and people kind and really non-judgmental. I find the advice giving nature of the groups on the site receptive, generally warm, and not only informative but vastly entertaining. There, as in any forum, are always flamers and such but generally, it seems pretty acceptant and tolerant. I also haven't visited SLS (Swing Life Style) site all year. Once I realized that it was predominantly partner oriented and I wasn't in a full-time partnered situation any longer (my polyesque long-distance lovers aside), and that swinging was not really what I was interested in...i.e. just random sex with other people's partners...not that I've anything against that...but I've found my way into emotionally connected relationships that have an open-minded sexual perspective (the poly world) and it seems to satisfy the need for that love and connective commitments emotionally that only having a full-time partner can trump. But, I'm open for suggestion, if nothing else.
I've discovered in these last few post-divorce, playfully experimental years that I'd a) love a full-time relationship b) wouldn't be bad at dealing with it being an open relationship sexually if that was my partner(s)'s choice as well c) I am not of a naturally promiscuous character. Seeking intellectual, spiritual, emotional AND sexual connection. Granted, the odd romp in the hay or on the rack would not be frowned upon. And until that day, let the fun continue. I have been lucky to, overall, have spent the last 6 years vastly enjoying a more satisfying, enlightening and expanding sexual profile and palette and I'm ready for more.
* Also in 2010 I went to my first MUNCH. This was a monthly meeting of an area BDSM support group. Great people, 80 couples, getting together for fun, food, games, and ribald discussion of their shared interests. Just like a monthly meeting of car or bridge or knitting aficionados except the conversation might lean towards being handcuffed to a police cruiser by your partner dressed as a cop and violated on a deserted street late at night; a couple of hands of blackjack with the loser having to confess some deep dark fantasy; or a demonstration of someone doing needlework on a person's privates. Well, actually, this last thing would be more likely to take place in the privacy of a group party...
* Yes, EXP and I attended my first BDSM house party and I will post about this wildly, wonderful experience, I promise.
* Unfortunately, in my bicoastal running around I was hard pressed to become involved heavily in the POLY support group I joined in Philly. They have monthly meetings and seem like fun people but, sad to say, no time.
* It has also been a slow year for my practicing Taoist sexual techniques. Lack of partners being a major hindrance. But I continue to read Mantak Chia and search for an open-minded and spiritually oriented partner who would like to perhaps study westernized Tantric ideas and techniques.
* Ah, yes and I had my first MAN-LOVE experience of consequence. Again more on that in detail elsewhere. Let's just say, it involved a friend who I had been circling and he me for a few months, and an evening delivered with the help of my EXP and her partner that turned into a somewhat disappointing but also vastly exhilarating foursome for reasons you will be filled in on later.
* DANCING. Yes, dancing. I may have mentioned that I didn't dance until I was 48 years old See the archive for October 29, 2007 titled C'MON LET'S GO
and 2010 found me dancing almost weekly whenever one of my favorite bands were playing. So much sexy fun. * I also found out in 2010 that a pair of good married friends of mine have a DUNGEON in their basement. NIIIICE! In fact, they were at my first Munch and invited me to my first BDSM party. I still have not been to their home play room but plan on when I am next in their town.
* also in 2010, an acquaintance who recently leaped into the kink life, became first a pro dominatrix and then after meeting a new full-time partner, leaped into the kink performer realm. She is WAY more advanced than I and goes into kink that I'm not at all interested in exploring personally but that are so very fascinating and out of this world edgy. So much for having her give me a tied-down butt whoopin' (gifted from a good friend with voyeuristic tendencies) but maybe she'll be willing to get around to it...I also am hoping to learn more about shibari (artful Japanese rope bondage) and learn about suspension this year at the request of my tiny polygf #3.
* In fact, polygf #3 my tiny, spankable Latina is in reality, at present my polygf #1 since my former polygf #1 (Randi) is in celibate mode, concentrating on business, new house and hubby issues and my polygf #2 (don't let EXP hear me call her that...she allows only the definition of EXP/BRE/Miss Molly/Chad and nothing beyond to taint our ever fluctuating but always deeply connected intertwinings) is into a full-on lesbian relationship roomie mode and I have moved West. So for ease of description here at least I will keep the definitions as such until I figure something else out.
* Another first was a motel room MFM trio with polygf #3 and a bf of hers, the same who ws initially trepidatious about me joining her circle. It was a wonderful surprise for her and a last minute addition of moi! this also deserves more extrapolation which I will get to in another post. A wonderful and different evening.
* In reality, this year has found me more "single" than "poly". While I still define myself as "polyamorous" because I feel that that is how I am presently wired, my real-life situation is not that way. I am 3000 miles from my main sex partner (#3 and again she is married and I am one of 3 poly bfs so it get complicated thus numbering...hahaha) as well as my EXP. And while I see Randi (#1) once or twice a month living on this coast, we are currently platonic but flirty and in my present surroundings the opportunities to meet single women are few and far between. I have never stopped loving my three girls (oh, sounding so deluded and possessive in only the most honoring and appreciative, not clinging way, of course) and I wish every day one of them (okay, all of them) were here with me. Such is life.
* On the positive front, just before I left the East Coast I found myself in some wonderful if fleeting flirtations with a handful of amazing women...an incredibly beuatiful, soulful, smart and mysterious young black woman (24) and a way sexy dancer; a dark and evasively surprising curly haired olive-complected waitress (mid-20s) and super intelligent; a young gaggle of fans of my music (20s); a long-time acquaintance and earth-mama who likes to smooch and flirt and who takes on the problems of the neer-do-wells around her (40s); a woman I've dated who just wants to be friends who is quite possibly one of the most overtly sexy and flirty person I've ever met (how do you spell frustration? She's a sizzlin' 40); a vivacious school teacher gf of a friend who I am enamored with who is flirty, open-minded but finally committed to him just as we started getting acquainted (early 20s); a spectacular 20-something dance partner who is right there with my moves, plugged into and drawn to my sexuality and at times simply oozes connection, artsy, unique, real and earthy girl who calls me her "older guy fantasy", she's also in a relationship with a buddy; and unfortunately...all 3000 miles away. I keep in touch with them regularly through the popular social networks and tehy all seem anxious for me to visit as am I. So why am I hear, family health issues (older parents), job opportunities pegged to slow economy...So if someone tells you the economy shouldn't affect your sex life, think again.
* I also began, on my last visit East, a mentoring of sorts to a long-time acquaintance who had recently split with her BF and was anxious to stick her toe (and other more delicate parts) into the kink world. She asked advice, joined FetLife and with little instigation from me 3000 miles away, dove tits first into the local BDSM scene. She met a couple or two online including a pair who know my dungeon keeping friends, went to a munch and then a sexy party in Philly and has found a new side to herself. You go, Blondie!
So all in all we'll give 2010, Three big cocks out of five:
* But for me, it's BACK TO LAND OF NO PUSSIBILITIES. I am truly enjoying the solitude and fresh air but it will get old. I haven't flirted or danced in three months so I am concerned about losing my game. I may have to import some hotties from back east. Hmmm, not a bad idea.
So in closing, I tell myself once again, that my motto really should be "QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY." Indeed.
So here is the 2010 wrap-up...Things have still been going well this past year, not so much in quantity but in quality. In fact, if numbers of sexual experiences was the goal then this year has been shy of the past couple of year's sweat-o-meter. But if we are talking interesting and new situations then 2010 has had some definite high points...
* Miss Mary, my Exploratory Partner, came across country and moved in with me in Oct 2009. Platonic in only the strictest sense, in that we aren't "in a relationship" of any pedestrian or predictable definition. No strings other than honesty, communication, caring and respect...a tolerance for nakedness around the house, a steady hand when trimming my pubic hair (it's indeed a matter of trust with scissors literally a hair a way from the treasured yambag) and an ability to get things started in record time with our occasional shared partners. She is a fearless, giving and very sexy EXP. Having someone sleeping in the next room who preferred to hear the sounds of me jerking off as opposed to asking me to close the door when the urge hit me was a nice perk as well. And her occasional hops into my bed, fresh from a shower to lend a hand or just be there to watch me take advantage of myself in various and sundry ways was indeed a nice change of pace. She also liked to ask that I jerk off in front of her in the living room while she played solitaire on her laptop, and no, that's not what they are callin' it these days, she would literally play solitaire on her laptop. Seems she liked to push her level of concentration to its limits. Not to mention the astrological, stylistic, spiritual, experiential and intuitive dating advice she would give me when I headed out head full of hope and mind on some 'lil chippie who indulged me with an evening of company. A colorblind gigolo could ask for nothing more than someone to keep him from walking out of the door looking like a circus monkey fresh from the spin-art booth. She's only my treasured EXP, but my BRE (best roomie ever) as well.
* She began using the alias Chad whenever she felt in the dominant mood and we had a wonderful experience the first time when she put the huge 10" dildo down her tight jeans and pulled my head to her bulging crotch ordering me to "suck her off" and then in short order pushing me down onto the futon and taking me swiftly. That she dressed like a man and I could still feel her heaving breasts against my chest as she forced herself in and out of me was quite the turn on.
* Miss Mary and I also explored this year on occasion with her latest lesbian lover (threesome #5, foursome #2&3). More on these elsewhere but they would allow me to watch the two of them fuck, which I did on a few occasions sometimes standing over them with my cock in my hand. EXP and I also had a short threesome (trio #6 and quartet #2) in January with my #3 poly partner who finally began sexual relations with me after checking me out heavily late in 2009 and then putting me on the back burner until one of her regular partners was comfy with another new face/cock in the mix logistically. EXP's gf also showed up and watched me and my partner for awhile and then EXP and her gf laid down next to us and watched me go down on my partner. Fun, fun, fun. Only the start of a grand night of kink with poly #3 but also, more on this later.
* MORE DOMINANCE - my little poly girl #3, not only my first Latina but the tiniest partner I have ever had (4'11", 97 lbs), shared a wonderful evening of profound spanking. No sex, just ordering her to her knees and she would scramble to the corner and cower...and well, I won't give it all away but this was an evening dedicated to her pleasure via spanking and slapping and virtually hovering over her with focused intimidation. A wonderful chemistry. We were to revisit this behavior on occasion and it worked well for both of us. Can't wait until next time...
* FALLING HARD: I can's say that this was a first, but in the first month of the year I fell surprisingly fast and hard for a woman much younger than I. Me: 53, she: 28. And a stunner. Although, of course I was attracted physically, it was the cat and mouse game of exploring each others minds via chat, text, long late night phoners, drinks, dates music, and mostly helping her through a very trying time. In the end I felt used up as she needed too much of me and I was receiving less and less of what I needed from her. C'est la vie. The selfishness of youth tosses another ship onto the rocks drawn to the Siren's call.
* HAVE I MENTIONED MY LONG-TERM INTERNET-ONLY ROMANCE WITH A WOMAN FROM MY PREVIOUS TEEN YEARS? No? Well, I've probably been saving that up for a long post when and if we ever meet face-to-face. In a nutshell, about 4 years ago now I was approached on MySpace by a woman from my high school. We'd been next to each other in the yearbook all four years but had never spoken. She really didn't remember me but broke the ice, "Is that you next to me? You're kinda cute. Why didn't we know each other?"
Consequently, we got to know each other deeply very quickly. She and I both being the open types, we started out talking home town memories and catch-up and quite quickly the comfort levels grew and we found we were both basically kinky, sexy, flirty, verbal people with a ton in common and 3000 miles away from each other. Oh well, the phone sex was insane and we dreamed loud and even planned a possible tête-à-tête, a clandestine meeting or two which, alas, never came together. We fell apart during the past year, incommunicado over some misunderstanding needlessly trumped up to facilitate an easier and more drastic way of dealing with the uncertainty, the passion and the questions so far from each others' reality. By year's end. We have mended fences lately but are both careful to not ignite any flames we couldn't extinguish. I miss the full-on sexiness of our interactions tremendously. I miss the hope for more and the wonderful positivity of knowing I had found a like-minded soul blazing with endless possibility. I yearn for that feeling again before this life ends.
* 2009 had found me being frustrated with Adult Friend Finder, the adult dating site after a couple of years on. Having had no real connection with anyone of note, no dates, meetings etc. In the new year I decided to concentrate more on real-world dating, dancing and flirting which has been a boon. I bailed on AFF and saved some bread. I missed the surfing through wild and sexy profiles of people but not the constant posing and wild, goose chase atmosphere. I had earlier bailed on Extreme Restraints dating site (a variance of AFF) as being just to over-the-top for a nubile discovering his kink.
In short order though, I found FetLife. A free site for the BDSM community. Not a dating site, although people do hook up with exciting new folks there sometimes. More a way to plug into a community of people exploring the kinky side of life. From newbies, to part-timers, to those living the lifestyle 24/7 the site offers wide-ranging opportunities for exploring information, networking, photos, in-person local support groups, parties, etc for whatever proclivities, fetishes, fantasies you may have the desire to indulge in. Overall, my experience has been enlightening and people kind and really non-judgmental. I find the advice giving nature of the groups on the site receptive, generally warm, and not only informative but vastly entertaining. There, as in any forum, are always flamers and such but generally, it seems pretty acceptant and tolerant. I also haven't visited SLS (Swing Life Style) site all year. Once I realized that it was predominantly partner oriented and I wasn't in a full-time partnered situation any longer (my polyesque long-distance lovers aside), and that swinging was not really what I was interested in...i.e. just random sex with other people's partners...not that I've anything against that...but I've found my way into emotionally connected relationships that have an open-minded sexual perspective (the poly world) and it seems to satisfy the need for that love and connective commitments emotionally that only having a full-time partner can trump. But, I'm open for suggestion, if nothing else.
I've discovered in these last few post-divorce, playfully experimental years that I'd a) love a full-time relationship b) wouldn't be bad at dealing with it being an open relationship sexually if that was my partner(s)'s choice as well c) I am not of a naturally promiscuous character. Seeking intellectual, spiritual, emotional AND sexual connection. Granted, the odd romp in the hay or on the rack would not be frowned upon. And until that day, let the fun continue. I have been lucky to, overall, have spent the last 6 years vastly enjoying a more satisfying, enlightening and expanding sexual profile and palette and I'm ready for more.
* Also in 2010 I went to my first MUNCH. This was a monthly meeting of an area BDSM support group. Great people, 80 couples, getting together for fun, food, games, and ribald discussion of their shared interests. Just like a monthly meeting of car or bridge or knitting aficionados except the conversation might lean towards being handcuffed to a police cruiser by your partner dressed as a cop and violated on a deserted street late at night; a couple of hands of blackjack with the loser having to confess some deep dark fantasy; or a demonstration of someone doing needlework on a person's privates. Well, actually, this last thing would be more likely to take place in the privacy of a group party...
* Yes, EXP and I attended my first BDSM house party and I will post about this wildly, wonderful experience, I promise.
* Unfortunately, in my bicoastal running around I was hard pressed to become involved heavily in the POLY support group I joined in Philly. They have monthly meetings and seem like fun people but, sad to say, no time.
* It has also been a slow year for my practicing Taoist sexual techniques. Lack of partners being a major hindrance. But I continue to read Mantak Chia and search for an open-minded and spiritually oriented partner who would like to perhaps study westernized Tantric ideas and techniques.
* Ah, yes and I had my first MAN-LOVE experience of consequence. Again more on that in detail elsewhere. Let's just say, it involved a friend who I had been circling and he me for a few months, and an evening delivered with the help of my EXP and her partner that turned into a somewhat disappointing but also vastly exhilarating foursome for reasons you will be filled in on later.
* DANCING. Yes, dancing. I may have mentioned that I didn't dance until I was 48 years old See the archive for October 29, 2007 titled C'MON LET'S GO
and 2010 found me dancing almost weekly whenever one of my favorite bands were playing. So much sexy fun. * I also found out in 2010 that a pair of good married friends of mine have a DUNGEON in their basement. NIIIICE! In fact, they were at my first Munch and invited me to my first BDSM party. I still have not been to their home play room but plan on when I am next in their town.
* also in 2010, an acquaintance who recently leaped into the kink life, became first a pro dominatrix and then after meeting a new full-time partner, leaped into the kink performer realm. She is WAY more advanced than I and goes into kink that I'm not at all interested in exploring personally but that are so very fascinating and out of this world edgy. So much for having her give me a tied-down butt whoopin' (gifted from a good friend with voyeuristic tendencies) but maybe she'll be willing to get around to it...I also am hoping to learn more about shibari (artful Japanese rope bondage) and learn about suspension this year at the request of my tiny polygf #3.
* In fact, polygf #3 my tiny, spankable Latina is in reality, at present my polygf #1 since my former polygf #1 (Randi) is in celibate mode, concentrating on business, new house and hubby issues and my polygf #2 (don't let EXP hear me call her that...she allows only the definition of EXP/BRE/Miss Molly/Chad and nothing beyond to taint our ever fluctuating but always deeply connected intertwinings) is into a full-on lesbian relationship roomie mode and I have moved West. So for ease of description here at least I will keep the definitions as such until I figure something else out.
* Another first was a motel room MFM trio with polygf #3 and a bf of hers, the same who ws initially trepidatious about me joining her circle. It was a wonderful surprise for her and a last minute addition of moi! this also deserves more extrapolation which I will get to in another post. A wonderful and different evening.
* In reality, this year has found me more "single" than "poly". While I still define myself as "polyamorous" because I feel that that is how I am presently wired, my real-life situation is not that way. I am 3000 miles from my main sex partner (#3 and again she is married and I am one of 3 poly bfs so it get complicated thus numbering...hahaha) as well as my EXP. And while I see Randi (#1) once or twice a month living on this coast, we are currently platonic but flirty and in my present surroundings the opportunities to meet single women are few and far between. I have never stopped loving my three girls (oh, sounding so deluded and possessive in only the most honoring and appreciative, not clinging way, of course) and I wish every day one of them (okay, all of them) were here with me. Such is life.
* On the positive front, just before I left the East Coast I found myself in some wonderful if fleeting flirtations with a handful of amazing women...an incredibly beuatiful, soulful, smart and mysterious young black woman (24) and a way sexy dancer; a dark and evasively surprising curly haired olive-complected waitress (mid-20s) and super intelligent; a young gaggle of fans of my music (20s); a long-time acquaintance and earth-mama who likes to smooch and flirt and who takes on the problems of the neer-do-wells around her (40s); a woman I've dated who just wants to be friends who is quite possibly one of the most overtly sexy and flirty person I've ever met (how do you spell frustration? She's a sizzlin' 40); a vivacious school teacher gf of a friend who I am enamored with who is flirty, open-minded but finally committed to him just as we started getting acquainted (early 20s); a spectacular 20-something dance partner who is right there with my moves, plugged into and drawn to my sexuality and at times simply oozes connection, artsy, unique, real and earthy girl who calls me her "older guy fantasy", she's also in a relationship with a buddy; and unfortunately...all 3000 miles away. I keep in touch with them regularly through the popular social networks and tehy all seem anxious for me to visit as am I. So why am I hear, family health issues (older parents), job opportunities pegged to slow economy...So if someone tells you the economy shouldn't affect your sex life, think again.
* I also began, on my last visit East, a mentoring of sorts to a long-time acquaintance who had recently split with her BF and was anxious to stick her toe (and other more delicate parts) into the kink world. She asked advice, joined FetLife and with little instigation from me 3000 miles away, dove tits first into the local BDSM scene. She met a couple or two online including a pair who know my dungeon keeping friends, went to a munch and then a sexy party in Philly and has found a new side to herself. You go, Blondie!
So all in all we'll give 2010, Three big cocks out of five:
* But for me, it's BACK TO LAND OF NO PUSSIBILITIES. I am truly enjoying the solitude and fresh air but it will get old. I haven't flirted or danced in three months so I am concerned about losing my game. I may have to import some hotties from back east. Hmmm, not a bad idea.So in closing, I tell myself once again, that my motto really should be "QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY." Indeed.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
VOLUNTEER, ARM ME
i.
Lying naked empty bed, subspace chanting your name, more precisely imagined vision, your hard willingness slides deep into me, wanting to pull your hurt and sadness from you, your agonized courtship with the demon dark, some twisted sexual tonglen, wanting for you to release me. face down I wait, to read aloud to you my poem GREGORY & SON which you miraculously paraphrased/quoted to me in a bar the night our skin glancing/lingering first touched, man-hugs, public bond
Age of inspired spire of cock flesh, grip rockhard…to know somebody’d been paying attention to long distant rambling poetic spew, passed to you orally by first object of manly desire who took tumescent flirtatious scribblings and fed you, unbeknownest to me, you who seem to be in line to finally replace him, the decades long ache of not pulling his cocky radiance into my waiting ambush, he my unrequited object d’frustration
Replaced by coming attractions on fat screen IMAX dungeon of inexperience, my tortured sexual swan dive into reptilian eyeflash ecstatic swordfight, interventionist’s Erroll Flynnian devilish grin
And we’ve begun to meet twice weekly, unplanned, in a mouse-ridden neighborhood dive which I’ve stumbled toward/out of past year, when in town, gnawing a hole into her patience as she perhaps waits for something more concrete from me, some slick player’s move or direct con man statement she may be used to, something a tad more dramatic than my slippery usual barrage of sultry compliments and tongued flirtations damp with hesitant fear, instead
What I give her is a nightly handful of sweet gentle kisses, some nights more sexy than gentle, some nights the other and she accepts them from me, purrs back at this the fool for not asking more, reasons now lost over time and the back of my spine like an old ragged memory shakes around a vague twitch of regret’s passing stare. There you sit. Four barstools away, poking lonely texts into your cell phone or on a night when still on the clock watching the door for ne’er do wells, wrap warm arms around my cold shoulders. These nights when I am more enterprising than most and peel my ancient countenance off the couch to suck up to the bar early enough to slip on a long and languorous buzz that sounds suspiciously like the scream of worn rubber on linoleum, pulling closer for a sniff at your despair instead of the quicker, cheaper one-hour cluster fuck last call closing time music over mind sizzle
When my lateness finds you quickly next to me fast probing me, machine gun questions seeking solace nourishment distraction for your pinned iris sponge of a vibrant mind squeezed nearly dry by your day’s tribulations
And me quick-drawing an answer from my holstered hipness like some swami fuck-up trying desperately to say the right things formulated jazz-like, spontaneous solos, scatting lessons diatribes assaults from years of playing Answer Man to lonely soon-to-be divorcees, teenaged angst cannons and friends mending hearts torn asunder by love, luck and bad decisions or more often yammering smoke up the ass of my own unresponsiveness
As usual, even in my personal black cloud hailstorm careen into this coiled moment, etching one decisively cruel season, death march confusion, shape-shift financial ruin over romantic disillusion, my face pock-marked by gravel stenciled spike heels, fate’s unseen uppercut to the gonads, fleeting heartfelt advice culled from a too vast reading list, a sexy and sagely celibate roomy’s own missives formed from the ether when she’s not dreaming backwards years of faded Kung Fu re-runs, David Carradine in a wheelchair, old, sexy, oogling her; through it all my dying father’s comic timing and seventeen broken hearts sail toward you from my gaping maw, compassionate and hopeful in the greasy neon sizzle of these vanishing evenings
when what should be happening is my corpulence against your strong, lithe frame in a dark, wooden corner, one hand pulling your smoke and beery mouth around to meet my mine, long musician’s fingers gripping stubble skin, tight smile over chiseled jaw and cheek, the other reaching down to feel your growing excitement beneath my lunging grip minutes before I take this willing man, hard and fast against the dingy bathroom wall.
ii.
ah, that fragile Pisces heart…unsure and in need of reassurance, no matter their strength, tenacity and resilience, no matter their knock-out punch gorgeousness, overflowing sexual bravado, they are just as confused as the rest of us if perhaps a bit more sensitive, a bit more inclined to turn on tail and walk away without a word, leaving us hangers-on hanging awaiting their crumpled affections
ah, the mystery behind their evasive tactical ease, moving in shadows, ruled by their emotions, by heart not head, word has it great in bed, oh yes my spirit guide tells me what I need to know and I want to know it all
ah, the history behind those aching eyes looking for solace and peace and simple pleasures, wanting all the love in the world, all the wild abandon, all the silly giggles, hearty laughs, mental challenges that always seem just beyond their grasp
ah, the hard-edges, stead-fast armor, lurch for the comforting pain that one is used to, for when basis of all emotion is either fear or love, fear seems the easiest to come across and the most ingrained in our beings, learned through years of practice, long days of being forced down on all fours, long nights of seeing our teary reflections mocking us from the pools of whatever choice of distraction we are tossing back, bred into us from birth by family, religion, societal misanthropic greed peddlers, insecure louts preaching division and hatred, posturing knee-jerk reactors drunk with false power and the insatiable desire to find themselves perched on some rickety pedestal of their own delusion, propping fragile egos on eggshell precipice
ah, when all any of us really need is a glancing smile, a kind gesture, some help with our emotional groceries, fingertips on the back of our still hand while in conversation, soft touch in the small of the back as we move together through a doorway, a few sly flirtatious moments, double-over laughter as stories and histories and dreams are shared, 4am greasy spoon breakfast sandwich soirees waited on by ex-model from Kurzakstan, still smiling on her 2nd ten-hour shift lanky tall knowing we envision her between us being served a dessert of an entirely different sort, love love love love love love, JL says, “Yes is the answer / and you know that for sure.”
ah, so we are to love our neighbor as we would love ourselves…hmmm, kinky…love your best friend, your butcher, your baker, your candlestick taker, love your dentist, your dementist, your broker, toker, incessant jokers spewing non-stop pun-logic, hippie-chick bartendress smiling wide hugging harder soul of a healer, love ladies taken who just need to dance loosen the belt hike up the pants, love the friends that you can trust with your life, with your secrets, love your dogs and your enemies and your cats and your competitors, love the guy cutting you off on the freeway for actually NOT smashing into you, practice love practice love practice love be ready for the curve ball, the slider, knuckleball, change-up, accept the off speed pitch
accept the ones who make us crazy, the ones who make us sad, accept the fact that we are lazy, accept the Right-Wing foaming dad, accept, accept, accept, accept, accept, accept the moment, accept that you're alive, accept that you will die, accept those extra pounds, accept we will not finish every thing we want to, that we will not sleep with everyone we desire, accept, accept, accept that life ain’t easy and suddenly it is
accept is the flip side of except
accept fear accept love
love conquers fear, accept gentle kindness embrace gentle kindness give out gentle kindness be gentle kindness
~ May 16-22, 2010, 2204A for TJA
Lying naked empty bed, subspace chanting your name, more precisely imagined vision, your hard willingness slides deep into me, wanting to pull your hurt and sadness from you, your agonized courtship with the demon dark, some twisted sexual tonglen, wanting for you to release me. face down I wait, to read aloud to you my poem GREGORY & SON which you miraculously paraphrased/quoted to me in a bar the night our skin glancing/lingering first touched, man-hugs, public bond
Age of inspired spire of cock flesh, grip rockhard…to know somebody’d been paying attention to long distant rambling poetic spew, passed to you orally by first object of manly desire who took tumescent flirtatious scribblings and fed you, unbeknownest to me, you who seem to be in line to finally replace him, the decades long ache of not pulling his cocky radiance into my waiting ambush, he my unrequited object d’frustration
Replaced by coming attractions on fat screen IMAX dungeon of inexperience, my tortured sexual swan dive into reptilian eyeflash ecstatic swordfight, interventionist’s Erroll Flynnian devilish grin
And we’ve begun to meet twice weekly, unplanned, in a mouse-ridden neighborhood dive which I’ve stumbled toward/out of past year, when in town, gnawing a hole into her patience as she perhaps waits for something more concrete from me, some slick player’s move or direct con man statement she may be used to, something a tad more dramatic than my slippery usual barrage of sultry compliments and tongued flirtations damp with hesitant fear, instead
What I give her is a nightly handful of sweet gentle kisses, some nights more sexy than gentle, some nights the other and she accepts them from me, purrs back at this the fool for not asking more, reasons now lost over time and the back of my spine like an old ragged memory shakes around a vague twitch of regret’s passing stare. There you sit. Four barstools away, poking lonely texts into your cell phone or on a night when still on the clock watching the door for ne’er do wells, wrap warm arms around my cold shoulders. These nights when I am more enterprising than most and peel my ancient countenance off the couch to suck up to the bar early enough to slip on a long and languorous buzz that sounds suspiciously like the scream of worn rubber on linoleum, pulling closer for a sniff at your despair instead of the quicker, cheaper one-hour cluster fuck last call closing time music over mind sizzle
When my lateness finds you quickly next to me fast probing me, machine gun questions seeking solace nourishment distraction for your pinned iris sponge of a vibrant mind squeezed nearly dry by your day’s tribulations
And me quick-drawing an answer from my holstered hipness like some swami fuck-up trying desperately to say the right things formulated jazz-like, spontaneous solos, scatting lessons diatribes assaults from years of playing Answer Man to lonely soon-to-be divorcees, teenaged angst cannons and friends mending hearts torn asunder by love, luck and bad decisions or more often yammering smoke up the ass of my own unresponsiveness
As usual, even in my personal black cloud hailstorm careen into this coiled moment, etching one decisively cruel season, death march confusion, shape-shift financial ruin over romantic disillusion, my face pock-marked by gravel stenciled spike heels, fate’s unseen uppercut to the gonads, fleeting heartfelt advice culled from a too vast reading list, a sexy and sagely celibate roomy’s own missives formed from the ether when she’s not dreaming backwards years of faded Kung Fu re-runs, David Carradine in a wheelchair, old, sexy, oogling her; through it all my dying father’s comic timing and seventeen broken hearts sail toward you from my gaping maw, compassionate and hopeful in the greasy neon sizzle of these vanishing evenings
when what should be happening is my corpulence against your strong, lithe frame in a dark, wooden corner, one hand pulling your smoke and beery mouth around to meet my mine, long musician’s fingers gripping stubble skin, tight smile over chiseled jaw and cheek, the other reaching down to feel your growing excitement beneath my lunging grip minutes before I take this willing man, hard and fast against the dingy bathroom wall.
ii.
ah, that fragile Pisces heart…unsure and in need of reassurance, no matter their strength, tenacity and resilience, no matter their knock-out punch gorgeousness, overflowing sexual bravado, they are just as confused as the rest of us if perhaps a bit more sensitive, a bit more inclined to turn on tail and walk away without a word, leaving us hangers-on hanging awaiting their crumpled affections
ah, the mystery behind their evasive tactical ease, moving in shadows, ruled by their emotions, by heart not head, word has it great in bed, oh yes my spirit guide tells me what I need to know and I want to know it all
ah, the history behind those aching eyes looking for solace and peace and simple pleasures, wanting all the love in the world, all the wild abandon, all the silly giggles, hearty laughs, mental challenges that always seem just beyond their grasp
ah, the hard-edges, stead-fast armor, lurch for the comforting pain that one is used to, for when basis of all emotion is either fear or love, fear seems the easiest to come across and the most ingrained in our beings, learned through years of practice, long days of being forced down on all fours, long nights of seeing our teary reflections mocking us from the pools of whatever choice of distraction we are tossing back, bred into us from birth by family, religion, societal misanthropic greed peddlers, insecure louts preaching division and hatred, posturing knee-jerk reactors drunk with false power and the insatiable desire to find themselves perched on some rickety pedestal of their own delusion, propping fragile egos on eggshell precipice
ah, when all any of us really need is a glancing smile, a kind gesture, some help with our emotional groceries, fingertips on the back of our still hand while in conversation, soft touch in the small of the back as we move together through a doorway, a few sly flirtatious moments, double-over laughter as stories and histories and dreams are shared, 4am greasy spoon breakfast sandwich soirees waited on by ex-model from Kurzakstan, still smiling on her 2nd ten-hour shift lanky tall knowing we envision her between us being served a dessert of an entirely different sort, love love love love love love, JL says, “Yes is the answer / and you know that for sure.”
ah, so we are to love our neighbor as we would love ourselves…hmmm, kinky…love your best friend, your butcher, your baker, your candlestick taker, love your dentist, your dementist, your broker, toker, incessant jokers spewing non-stop pun-logic, hippie-chick bartendress smiling wide hugging harder soul of a healer, love ladies taken who just need to dance loosen the belt hike up the pants, love the friends that you can trust with your life, with your secrets, love your dogs and your enemies and your cats and your competitors, love the guy cutting you off on the freeway for actually NOT smashing into you, practice love practice love practice love be ready for the curve ball, the slider, knuckleball, change-up, accept the off speed pitch
accept the ones who make us crazy, the ones who make us sad, accept the fact that we are lazy, accept the Right-Wing foaming dad, accept, accept, accept, accept, accept, accept the moment, accept that you're alive, accept that you will die, accept those extra pounds, accept we will not finish every thing we want to, that we will not sleep with everyone we desire, accept, accept, accept that life ain’t easy and suddenly it is
accept is the flip side of except
accept fear accept love
love conquers fear, accept gentle kindness embrace gentle kindness give out gentle kindness be gentle kindness
~ May 16-22, 2010, 2204A for TJA
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